Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me hooking up with my ex
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day