*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
never ask a starfish for directions
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.