[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.