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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
That’s fair
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic