She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head