An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?