My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird