guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.