Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me sliding into hell like
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*