*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”