[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere