Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
You Might Also Like
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream