In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!