I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
tis the season
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*