Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera