“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.