Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.