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me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
fly smarter, not harder
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?