A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I’m good, thanks.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
and this one
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)