I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.