The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all