The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.