Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
And bowling should be called pinball