When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I feel it
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*