I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen