ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
When you let grandma cat sit
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.