me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.