I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Okay me first
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”