I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
These aliens are taking forever.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”