Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
listen closely
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman