“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
c’mon!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Cannot stop laughing at this
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.