She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.