“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
In space, no one can hear…
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes