I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.