[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.