Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO