[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.