They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet