reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
yes… yes…
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?