When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My friend is an excellent librarian.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?