*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The internet is full of many things
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year