Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy