Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms