It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
any last words?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.