So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I was just discussing this with my cat
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”