Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You Might Also Like
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
waiting for halloween be like:
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
#Caturday
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP