“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction