Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.