Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold