Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbie gone wild

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Okay me first

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room